September's Student

I did it!  I finished what I started!  I can't emphasize enough what a relief it is that I didn't drop the ball on my little September challenge.  Just to be clear, I am not a great finisher.  I am 'laid-back' (the nice way of saying I can tend toward laziness) and typically not drawn to extremes (no fad diets here, no crazy 7-days-a-week workout program with a title that assures either vomiting or passing out at the end, no militant coaches or trainers in my life, no sticker on my car that brags that I ran an  ungodly distance etc...).  But, I am an idealist, which when paired with a laissez faire attitude about most things, is a pretty terrible mix.  My nature sort of works against itself.  I set goals that are idealistic, but I don't have the drive, organization, or discipline to see them through.  There is a veritable graveyard of chore charts, Bible reading plans, journals and calendars in my history that prove this point.

So September needed to be different.  The goals needed to be realistic, achievable, and personal.   I needed to know that I could set out to do something that might be occasionally uncomfortable or difficult, and actually see it through.   And, I am happy to report that I completed the goals I set for myself.  (With the exception of eating 2 Starburst on Day 2 of the challenge.  I just plain forgot about the 'no candy' part of my resolutions for a minute.  My resolve was strong, my memory, not so much :) 

After 30 days of a stricter diet, working out regularly, and being more conscious of how I'm spending my money, and on which types of food, I am pleased to report that I feel healthier!  I feel more fit, stronger, more energetic and better about my choices.  Thankfully my goal was not about weight loss because apparently my body has a hard time letting go of it.  At the end of the month, I was ONE POUND LIGHTER.  (even though it wasn't a goal of mine, it still made me want to kick the scale in the shins.)  Whatever.  I feel better, and that's the best reward.   

Turns out, though, that I had more to figure out from my September goals than how much better I might feel, or sleep, or run by October.  What I viewed as a health-motivated initiative, God saw as an opportunity to dredge up some heart issues.

I don't challenge myself or deny myself very often.  I live my life in the land of moderation in middle class America.  Life is pretty easy over here.  There isn't much need to say 'no', although a month ago I may have argued that I am more disciplined than most, and that I say no quite a bit.  Maybe by some standards I do.  It was clear to me, though, as the month wore on and I started realizing how often my challenges forced me to say 'no', that I had been pretty used to saying 'yes' to an awful lot of unnecessary things.  I was saying 'yes' to things that bred in me a sense of entitlement, a right to convenience and an excuse for taking the easy way. 

My eyes were opened pretty early on, when, on Day 1, we had a church event that went from 6-8 pm. There was no food at this particular event, which meant an early dinner, and we didn't get back home until about 9.  I was pretty hungry by that time, and I had gotten into the very unhealthy habit of snacking late, after the kids go to bed.  So  I was kind of a mess.  Foggy headed, cranky, tired.  I felt like stomping my foot and finding some way to negotiate my way into eating something.  Anything.  But the most important of all my list of goals was the goal of not eating after 8!  I could NOT budge on this, or the whole tower of resolve would come crashing down. I managed to muddle through until an acceptable bedtime allowed me to fall, famished, into bed, dreaming of eggs and bacon for breakfast.  (Nothing makes me more melodramatic than hunger, in case you didn't notice.) This situation occurred a few other times throughout the month, and it made me realize that  I rarely allow myself to get hungry enough to feel uncomfortable. Typically, no matter what time of the day, if my stomach starts rumbling, food is a mere few feet or few dollars away, and so I indulge. As much as the pangs of hunger made me uncomfortable physically, it made me more uncomfortable to come to terms with how little I deny myself food.  Pretty much never.  Not only is food readily available, but there is a massive variety of it everywhere!  I have access not just to food, but to the food I 'feel like' eating whenever I want it. I don't deny myself food.  I don't even DELAY myself food.   And I don't ever think about how amazing it is that I never have to have the feeling of an empty stomach, and I am always able to fill it with my favorite things. 

I was awakened to another truth a few times as I planned my day and saw that I would be out running errands over lunch time. My immediate thought was, "I'll just stop and get something quick to eat." But all garbage food and pricey fancy-pants beverages sold by a certain green mermaid were off-limits in September. If I have a busy day, it's SO easy to believe that I deserve a quick lunch or treat to reward myself.  Because it's so hard, apparently, driving around in my own van, using our ample funds to buy everything we need and many things we just want.  Because it just taxes me so to walk through a grocery store pushing a cart laden with all the foods we like best.  What a crafty, subtle, wrong way of thinking that is.  I suppose it makes sense that this belief has infiltrated my mind, given that every advertisement I've seen in my life has told me, in a nutshell, 'If it feels good, do it; if it tastes good, eat it; if it looks good, buy it.  You deserve it.'  September was the perfect opportunity for God to show me how much I've bought into the concept of entitlement. 

God knew I needed a reality check on this feeling of deserving what I am not entitled to.  These things aren't wrong, of course, but they ARE perks, pleasures, luxuries.  And I desperately needed to see that the very errands and duties that filled the days on which I found myself reaching for a latte as a reward are not, by any stretch of the imagination, exhausting tasks.  My days are filled with blessings and an ease of living that I should NOT be so blind to.  And if saying 'no' to the golden arches, Mike and Ike, caramel macchiatos and late night snacking helped to open my eyes to it, then I am even more thankful for my little set of reasonable, not-idealistic goals.

Now, I don't want to over-spiritualize this.  It wasn't intended to be a mountain-top experience.  There wasn't even a specific spiritual goal in mind, truthfully.  But God is involved in every part of my life, and so even when I don't set out to hear a word from Him, He speaks.  He wanted to use the goals I intended to increase my self-discipline to also teach me about self-denial.  He wanted my abstaining from fast food, fancy coffee, pop and candy to be less about sugar and fat intake and more about knowing the difference between needs and wants and remembering which is which.  He needed to show me how easy it has become for me to think I deserve things that I have not earned

So yes, I feel healthier, and happy to have finished a goal I set for myself.  But mostly, I am thankful that what God planned for me last month was so much greater than anything I could have imagined.