2014: No More Excuses

I'm a messy car person.  Half of you are completely tracking with me, and half of you are just thinking in your head, "Gross."  That's because you are clean car people.  I am decidedly not.  At any given time, you can find fixins for a complete meal, stock a playroom, or clothe about 3 people with what is in my car.  I joke with fellow messy car friends that we just like to be prepared for natural disasters, like snowstorms.  Even in July. 

Anyway, a few years back I was carpooling with a clean-car friend, and the first time her daughter got in my van, she asked "Why is your car so messy?"

Flustered, I babbled something about being busy that week and the weather being bad so I couldn't get outside to clean my car.  The following week, the little sweetheart climbed in my still-filthy van and asked the same question.  {Sidenote: it's amazing how the honesty of children can be such an effective shaming tool.}  I again mumbled some nonsense about schedules, messy kids, shop vac being broken, blahblahblah...

Guess what happened the next week?  That's right, she climbed into my still-not-clean-so-clearly-kid-induced-shame-does-not-work-on-me-van and asked once again, "Why is your van always so messy?"  I decided to cut the junk and just tell her the truth.  "Well, I guess it just isn't that important to me to have a clean van." 

It took 3 weeks of a 6-year-old pointing out the obvious before I realized that I was making excuses for why my van was messy.  And that little girl wasn't buying it.  She knew at 6 what I was dragging my feet to realize myself--I just chose to NOT clean my van.  I chose that.  It wasn't that important to me.  I had the time; I just used it for other things.  Things that mattered more, even if they maybe shouldn't.  I didn't need to have excuses, I just needed to be honest about my choices. 

That concept has been chasing me these last few weeks.  I didn't sit down and write out a resolution list for 2014 because Christmas was busy, ministry was busy, the kids were busy, we got the flu... (are you catching the sarcasm?).  Here's the thing: since the kids started school way back in September, I have been seeking direction from the Lord for my life.  I have more 'flex' time now, and I want to be intentional about using it.  So, I spent a lot of time praying about this, and one thing I felt compelled to do was give more attention to writing.  Guess how many times I've written anything in 5 months?  Twice.  Two things.  Because, you see, there were so many excuses I allowed into my life, and they ate up all my time. 

I heard a woman in her 60's say recently "I always meant to lose weight and exercise.  I never meant to be chubby my whole adult life."  I laughed along with her, but those words stuck in my brain.  How easily could I say, 30 years from now, "I always meant to do more writing but I just never got around to it."?  Very, very easily.  In fact, it's been happening already for the past 5 months.

So, God made me see it.  He turned my gaze and focus directly to the phrase "NO MORE EXCUSES" and then, like He does, he started showing me how many times every day I make excuses for things.  And not just writing, but other things, and other responsibilities that fall to the wayside.  He has been showing me a lot about what it means to be intentional, decisive and prayerful about how I use my time.  Here are some things He's helped me see...

• Excuses aren't always bad things, but they are still excuses.  The things that fill my days are often good things, but they still keep me from doing what I feel I'm being led to do.  Babysitting?  Good.  Volunteering at the kids' schools?  Good.  Hanging out with elderly family members?  Good.  Meeting with women from church?  Good.  Working out?  Good.  Ministry stuff?  Good.  These are all good things, but they use up all the extra time that I have during the week.  I need to strike a balance between these good things and the new things I want to prioritize.  Otherwise, I could end up resenting the good things, followed closely by guilt, and if there's anything a mom does NOT need more of, it's guilt.  I should be able to do most of these good things, but on a smaller scale or not as often, so that I can do the new things too. 
• Like anything else that needs to be done, I have to actually put any priorities I have into my schedule.  And then not move them.  I never tell the kids that I meant to make their lunches, but then something came up, so they are just going to have to grab a string cheese and make the best of it.  Healthy, balanced lunches are important, so I make it happen.  If I don't do that with writing, it absolutely makes sense that it will get squeezed out when the planned things take longer than expected or there are too many unplanned things that I say 'yes' to.  Which leads me to this one:
• Say no sometimes and be okay with it.  Because my kids are in school all day, I feel the need to say yes to everything, because I am now the type of woman that many young moms and working women look at and think "She's got all the time in the world to do stuff now."  I know this because I used to think it when I was a teacher, and then when I had three little kids who needed me all day every day.  I would look at SAHMs with older kids and think "Sister, you have ARRIVED."  And I certainly have more freedom in my schedule, but that schedule gets filled every. single. week.  The 5-years-ago-me would be shocked at how easily and quickly this happens.  Unless I say 'no' to some things some times, I won't have time for the things I want to try. 
• Excuses rob me of accountability.  It is SO EASY to say "Oh, I meant to do that today, but then this happened, so maybe I'll get to it tomorrow."  But, deep down, I know that often the 'things' are excuses rather than emergencies.  And because I know this deep down, I ultimately end up feeling guilty for not doing a better job at prioritizing.  If, instead, I am intentional about how my days are spent I can go to sleep guilt-free, knowing what happened that day was either planned or was an actual emergency.  

It is a blessing and a privilege to be in this place in my life.  Where there is room for pursuing dreams, exploring new territory, blowing the dust off of dormant hobbies.  I believe that God has new works for us in each season of our lives.  Works that He has created us for.  I am excited and hopeful about what He will bring about in this new season of my life.  No more excuses; bring it on 2014!

September's Student

I did it!  I finished what I started!  I can't emphasize enough what a relief it is that I didn't drop the ball on my little September challenge.  Just to be clear, I am not a great finisher.  I am 'laid-back' (the nice way of saying I can tend toward laziness) and typically not drawn to extremes (no fad diets here, no crazy 7-days-a-week workout program with a title that assures either vomiting or passing out at the end, no militant coaches or trainers in my life, no sticker on my car that brags that I ran an  ungodly distance etc...).  But, I am an idealist, which when paired with a laissez faire attitude about most things, is a pretty terrible mix.  My nature sort of works against itself.  I set goals that are idealistic, but I don't have the drive, organization, or discipline to see them through.  There is a veritable graveyard of chore charts, Bible reading plans, journals and calendars in my history that prove this point.

So September needed to be different.  The goals needed to be realistic, achievable, and personal.   I needed to know that I could set out to do something that might be occasionally uncomfortable or difficult, and actually see it through.   And, I am happy to report that I completed the goals I set for myself.  (With the exception of eating 2 Starburst on Day 2 of the challenge.  I just plain forgot about the 'no candy' part of my resolutions for a minute.  My resolve was strong, my memory, not so much :) 

After 30 days of a stricter diet, working out regularly, and being more conscious of how I'm spending my money, and on which types of food, I am pleased to report that I feel healthier!  I feel more fit, stronger, more energetic and better about my choices.  Thankfully my goal was not about weight loss because apparently my body has a hard time letting go of it.  At the end of the month, I was ONE POUND LIGHTER.  (even though it wasn't a goal of mine, it still made me want to kick the scale in the shins.)  Whatever.  I feel better, and that's the best reward.   

Turns out, though, that I had more to figure out from my September goals than how much better I might feel, or sleep, or run by October.  What I viewed as a health-motivated initiative, God saw as an opportunity to dredge up some heart issues.

I don't challenge myself or deny myself very often.  I live my life in the land of moderation in middle class America.  Life is pretty easy over here.  There isn't much need to say 'no', although a month ago I may have argued that I am more disciplined than most, and that I say no quite a bit.  Maybe by some standards I do.  It was clear to me, though, as the month wore on and I started realizing how often my challenges forced me to say 'no', that I had been pretty used to saying 'yes' to an awful lot of unnecessary things.  I was saying 'yes' to things that bred in me a sense of entitlement, a right to convenience and an excuse for taking the easy way. 

My eyes were opened pretty early on, when, on Day 1, we had a church event that went from 6-8 pm. There was no food at this particular event, which meant an early dinner, and we didn't get back home until about 9.  I was pretty hungry by that time, and I had gotten into the very unhealthy habit of snacking late, after the kids go to bed.  So  I was kind of a mess.  Foggy headed, cranky, tired.  I felt like stomping my foot and finding some way to negotiate my way into eating something.  Anything.  But the most important of all my list of goals was the goal of not eating after 8!  I could NOT budge on this, or the whole tower of resolve would come crashing down. I managed to muddle through until an acceptable bedtime allowed me to fall, famished, into bed, dreaming of eggs and bacon for breakfast.  (Nothing makes me more melodramatic than hunger, in case you didn't notice.) This situation occurred a few other times throughout the month, and it made me realize that  I rarely allow myself to get hungry enough to feel uncomfortable. Typically, no matter what time of the day, if my stomach starts rumbling, food is a mere few feet or few dollars away, and so I indulge. As much as the pangs of hunger made me uncomfortable physically, it made me more uncomfortable to come to terms with how little I deny myself food.  Pretty much never.  Not only is food readily available, but there is a massive variety of it everywhere!  I have access not just to food, but to the food I 'feel like' eating whenever I want it. I don't deny myself food.  I don't even DELAY myself food.   And I don't ever think about how amazing it is that I never have to have the feeling of an empty stomach, and I am always able to fill it with my favorite things. 

I was awakened to another truth a few times as I planned my day and saw that I would be out running errands over lunch time. My immediate thought was, "I'll just stop and get something quick to eat." But all garbage food and pricey fancy-pants beverages sold by a certain green mermaid were off-limits in September. If I have a busy day, it's SO easy to believe that I deserve a quick lunch or treat to reward myself.  Because it's so hard, apparently, driving around in my own van, using our ample funds to buy everything we need and many things we just want.  Because it just taxes me so to walk through a grocery store pushing a cart laden with all the foods we like best.  What a crafty, subtle, wrong way of thinking that is.  I suppose it makes sense that this belief has infiltrated my mind, given that every advertisement I've seen in my life has told me, in a nutshell, 'If it feels good, do it; if it tastes good, eat it; if it looks good, buy it.  You deserve it.'  September was the perfect opportunity for God to show me how much I've bought into the concept of entitlement. 

God knew I needed a reality check on this feeling of deserving what I am not entitled to.  These things aren't wrong, of course, but they ARE perks, pleasures, luxuries.  And I desperately needed to see that the very errands and duties that filled the days on which I found myself reaching for a latte as a reward are not, by any stretch of the imagination, exhausting tasks.  My days are filled with blessings and an ease of living that I should NOT be so blind to.  And if saying 'no' to the golden arches, Mike and Ike, caramel macchiatos and late night snacking helped to open my eyes to it, then I am even more thankful for my little set of reasonable, not-idealistic goals.

Now, I don't want to over-spiritualize this.  It wasn't intended to be a mountain-top experience.  There wasn't even a specific spiritual goal in mind, truthfully.  But God is involved in every part of my life, and so even when I don't set out to hear a word from Him, He speaks.  He wanted to use the goals I intended to increase my self-discipline to also teach me about self-denial.  He wanted my abstaining from fast food, fancy coffee, pop and candy to be less about sugar and fat intake and more about knowing the difference between needs and wants and remembering which is which.  He needed to show me how easy it has become for me to think I deserve things that I have not earned

So yes, I feel healthier, and happy to have finished a goal I set for myself.  But mostly, I am thankful that what God planned for me last month was so much greater than anything I could have imagined. 

New (School) Year Resolutions

Summer, as anticipated, has passed in the blink of an eye, and Fall is upon us.  Fall has always been my favorite season, and since my kids have started school, I've noticed that my natural rhythms have pegged Fall as the time when my organization/desire for schedules/idealism are all at their peak potential.

Therefore, I have decided that it's kind of stupid to resolve to do all kinds of grand things in January, when days are short, moods are gloomy and we're just trying to figure out how to keep our houses from closing in on us until the Spring.  For me, at least, it makes far more sense to resolve to do stuff in the Fall.  I feel the need to get healthier and more disciplined now, when my cylinders are firing like crazy!  To that end, I have come up with what I believe to be a fairly reasonable list of challenges, some of which will only last one month, some indefinitely.  At the end of the month, I'll reevaluate, and continue and/or adjust as necessary. So, without further ado, here is my list of new (school) year resolutions...

1.  Something about blogging more.  Okay, I know this should be more detailed, but I'm hoping to blog about why I'm terrible about blogging.  Because, clearly, there is a problem.

2.  No eating after 8 pm.  I had to put this one somewhat high up on the list so that I can blame my meandering, aimless writing and crankiness on the fact that it is now 9:05 pm, and I had a very light supper 4 hours ago.  I.  Am.  STARVING!  I am currently trying to convince my stomach that a cup of hot tea is a meal, and it is filling me up more than any big bowl of popcorn ever could.  (Don't believe it, popcorn. I miss you already!)

3.  No eating fast food for one month.  I am really curious to see how this one affects my energy level, calorie count, and budget.  I don't get fast food more than once or twice a week, but since there is NO reason to get it at all, I won't.  For a month.

4.  No pop, fancy coffee drinks, or other superfluously sugary drinks for one month.  Again, I am curious about the energy level and budget thing.  And yes, I know I didn't include regular old coffee in that list.  Because I don't plan on giving that up.  Ever.

5.  Work out at least 3 times a week, with one of those times being long-distance running.  I KNOW I feel better when I exercise on a regular basis, and I've actually come to enjoy running, so this just makes good sense. 

6.  Eliminate all candy from the diet for the month.  Again, not a huge lifestyle adjustment, but with 3 fairly young kids in the house, I have access to Laffy Taffys more than I care to admit.  And those things are goo-oood!  My husband thinks chocolate is candy.  He is wrong. 

7.  Eat only fruits or veggies as snacks for one month.  I like fruits and veggies a lot, and I don't know why I don't just eat those rather than pretzels, crackers, chips and salsa or whatever other salt-laden snack I have near me. 

And that's a wrap!  Seven very appropriate, very doable resolutions.  If you read this and see me on a regular basis, feel free to ask me how any or all of these are going.  (if you're brave enough to ask me about all of them, I promise to just give a general indicator, like a thumbs-up or down.)

Alright, September, let's do this!  Now, I need to go to bed before I start crying about how much I wish I could eat something.

Parenting 2.0

It's been 6 weeks or so since I sent my littlest nugget off on a bus to school all day.  I had no clue what to expect from all the quiet that was about to enter my life, and all the choices I would be able to make with the 6 hours the kiddos were in school.  It's been an eye-opening time.  Here are some things I've learned in these few weeks...

1.  I did not, nor will I probably ever, morph into a Type A person when there are no children underfoot.  This was not really a serious expectation of mine, but looking through all those magazines for the past 10 years with all those lists of how to do everything better made me sort of hope I could complete those lists once I had some more time on my hands.  Nope.

2.  The day really does go by quickly.  I thought for sure that I would spend at least a few minutes a day pining over my children, but I must say, there's not much time for pining.  A few chores, a quick workout, lunch, an errand, and it's time to put on my gameface for the homework/dinner/bath/bedtime craziness. 

3.  The dog has not been harboring a secret ability to speak that he was just waiting to bust out when I actually gave him my undivided attention.  He's actually pretty non-responsive, and he has yet to show any enthusiasm at all when I ask his opinion about my shoe options for the day.

4.  The amount of housecleaning, laundry, food preparation and errand running has not diminished in any way now that the kids are gone a good chunk of the day.  I guess that was a semi-embarrassing realization, as I found myself surprised at the fact that a good portion of my week is STILL spent sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away, and repeat, repeat, repeat....

5.  As an introvert, I really like quiet sometimes.  It does not bother me at all to have no one to talk to but myself.  (the dog, as I mentioned earlier, is hopeless)  In fact, I feel like my brain cells are starting to replenish, and I've mentioned to more than one person that I am recalling words and other information that I didn't even realize was still in the dusty old archives of my brain.  See?!?!  ARCHIVES, ha!

6.  As much as the basic chores and errands haven't diminished, I appreciate the fact that I can now get most of those things done without tripping over toddlers.  I can get ready and walk out the door in, like, a minute, and I'm not sweating by the time I get to the car with a bunch of kids and a diaper bag hanging off my neck.  I can talk on the phone without a cacophony of "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" in the background.  I can use the bathroom privately.  (I can hear the wistful sighs of all you young moms on that one :)

7.  The hurt over all my babies no longer being babies, though quieted down some, is still there.  As much as I am enjoying this new stage, I wonder if every new stage brings, along with excitement and promise, a little scar tissue from the joys that have passed into memory. 

The End of an Era

Tomorrow I send my baby boy off on a bus to Kindergarten. 

The 5 years ago me didn't really believe this day would ever come.  Or that it would at least take a much longer time to get here.  5 years ago I was up to my eyeballs in diapers, nursery songs, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sleepless nights, spit-up, and potty training.  It was wonderful.  I mean, it was really hard, of course, (my own sinful nature became painfully apparent all too often), but I looked forward to being a mom and having babies from the time I was a little girl.  In my childlike mind, nothing could be better than spending a day cuddling a sweet baby, so when our first daughter was born, it was a longing fulfilled.  Ellie was followed 2 years later by a second daughter, Cassie.  Raising sisters was a blessing I couldn't believe I got to live.  Our family was complete 2 years after that when we added our son, our grand finale, Jared.  It was what I had spent so many afternoons practicing for and dreaming about as a child.  Three small kids, all mine, all day.  Let me tell you, I was clueless about how hard parenting was when I was 7.  (Also, to my credit, Cabbage Patch Dolls don't eat, talk or poop, so it's rather misleading.) As difficult as it was to be a stay-at-home mom of 3 young kids, battling exhaustion, struggling to hold on to even a little bit of patience, becoming everyday more aware of my own limited ability to be grace-filled, it was the most amazing, precious, life-changing, hurt-your-heart wonderful time of my life. 

And now it's over. 

I've had a hundred cliches running through my mind for the last 6 months or so about the fleeting moments of infancy, toddlerhood, the preschool years.  They're not just cliches anymore.  It's really happened to me, too.  My babies aren't babies anymore, and I have to figure out how to be okay with that.  No, I need to be more than okay.  I need to be joyful over the close to this chapter and the beginning of a new one.  Thankfully, I am blessed to have some godly women in my life who have walked this road already, and can speak wisdom into my life for this time.  And I am praying, and trying, to embrace this change.  I know God will be faithful to show me what He has in store for me next, and that it will me more than I could have asked or imagined.

But for now, tonight, I just need to take some deep breaths and pray that when I hug Jared, my Bubba, good-bye tomorrow and watch him get on that bus, I won't be a completely ridiculous mess.  Please, Lord, don't let me be the embarrassing Mom.  Amen.